This is what the narrator of Encounters at the End of the World (the most random and surreal account of life in Antarctic you'll ever see) asks in the film at one point: "Is this a big moment?".
He was referring to a moment when a group of scientists had just discovered three new species. Everybody laughed, but the question seems an important one to me. We can never be sure whether the moment we're living is a big moment or not. What we think of as life changing may not be and small decisions to which we don't give a second thought could change our lives for ever.
So stopping and asking "Is this a big moment?" could be a good idea. And so I ask myself, I'm turning 30 (twenty ten!!!!) in three weeks, is this a big moment? Age has never bothered me, most of my friends are my age or older than me, and so I never "feel old" around them. However, this big birthday has thrown me a bit off course. Am I being silly for feeling like this? Or turning 30 is actually a big moment, an opportunity to reevaluate where I'm going with my life?
This may have to do with where I thought I'd be at 30. Married, with a mortgage and kids. Is it so bad that I'm not there yet? I'm on the right track to get all those things soon, so does it matter that it'd happen when I'm older? Would I change the past couple of years to be there NOW, at 30? No, most definitely not. Then, why is it that all of a sudden, I feel is if I'm late for things, as if I should start rushing.
Feeling like this has made me fall into some bad habits, the worse one, my compulsive buying. Yes, I confess (in true Polly style) that I haven't been doing very well on my Think before you buy challenge lately. Once I started using the "It's my birthday soon and I deserve a threat" excuse, I couldn't stop.
If you've been following my comments around the blogosphere (which I realize it's a lot to ask, but you never know), you'd have notice that I have just bought a camera (Nikon D40, LOVE IT!) and that I've been buying the books for our Hermit Book Club (Did you visit us last Friday? We had the first discussion and it was brilliant. There is still time if you want to participate!). I went to town on Saturday and before I got to my final destination (the park) I had a couple of things from Zara and a new pair of sunglasses.
I feel guilty, yes, and at bit disappointed, but I've decided to be good to myself. I'll give myself sometime to indulge, and then after my birthday, try to get back on track. There is no point in berating myself. As I said here, it's time we are all a bit more loving towards ourselves, even when we make a mistake, and stop trying to continuosly improve ouselves.
Because if turning 30 is after all a big moment, then I may as well celebrate, right?